The O.J. Bar Is Closed

Donald Westlake, a prolific author considered one of the most successful and versatile mystery writers in the United States, has died. He was 75. (More...)

Donald E. Westlake was a great writer because he went from the gritty Parker to the comedy of Dortmunder with apparent ease. Fifteen of his stories were turned into movies, including Payback, The Hot Rock and Cops and Robbers. His screenplay for The Grifters earned him an Oscar nomination (which almost makes What's the Worst That Can Happen forgivable).

I passed Jimmy the Kid and The Hot Rock to my kids to read, the same way that I got the books from my Dad.
Dortmunder and his crew saved the O.J. in Watch Your Back. The single bare bulb hanging over the table in the back room is off now.
G'night, Rollo.

Order it from chapters.indigo.ca

It'd only be fitting if Westlake's funeral procession went up Rockaway Parkway and across Eastern to Grand Army Plaza, then right up Flatbush to the Manhattan Bridge. Traffic will be light on Third Avenue at 79th, especially compared to the West Side Highway. Get Real will be released in April.

Tags: [Donald E. Westlake]
[The Parker Series] [The Dortmunder Series]

A Grimm Discovery

On Friday, my parents took their coffee at the cafe on the grounds of Summers End. They surveyed the yard and noticed something amiss.
Over there in the NE corner of the lot where the playhouse stands... where was Snow White?

They walked to the playhouse and were horrified to discover 6 of their concrete dwarfs were missing.
The 40" Snow White figure had been knocked down, but at least she was still there. Somebody kidnapped the dwarfs!

Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful and Dopey - all of them gone! Only Happy was left behind. (Unfortunately, an horrific accident left Happy a double-amputee several years ago).

Snow White and the seven dwarfs have been friends of the playhouse for at least 25 years. They've been a part of the Wild parties, Family Picnics, Wayne Day and several weddings. They're family - the children of the house after The Original 6 moved out.

Every few years, my Dad would cart each dwarf to the garage where my Mom would painstakingly repaint him. Once sealed and dry, my Dad would carry each concrete man back to his place. Snow White received an ultra deluxe spa treatment, including chemical peel (old paint removal), deep facial line treatment (filling weathered areas) and microdermabrasion (sanding) before hitting makeup and wardrobe.

Two fawns, Bambi and Bimbo, are usually placed as if they'd just left the cornfield - heading toward the playhouse. Bimbo was also missing.

In order to execute the robbery, the dwarf-nappers had to park on the shoulder of the road, climb the fence, walk to the playhouse area, pick up the concrete statue (you need 2 people to carry Bimbo), carry it back

(enlarge to view getaway route)

down the yard, over the fence, down the hill at the ditch to the waiting car...seven times! There's been too much rain to drive through the field without getting stuck. {Aside: Escape through the field after a rain was attempted once. Once. You noticed I said 'attempted'?}

"I miss them," my Dad told me yesterday when I visited the homestead. "I miss you too," he quickly added lest I be offended.
So deep is the loss that he can't bear to whistle while he works in the yard.
Come to think of it, the wind wasn't whistling through the trees either.

As for Happy, well I thought he looked quite lonely.

Tags: [Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales] [Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]
[Disney Lawn Statues] [Crimestoppers - Durham]

A Week in Pictures

Whitewalls on a Navigator?
A closer look indicates the driver needs to work on curbside parking.



I'm not making this up. Three of these decorations were for sale at a local store...each with the same spelling mistake.




Are Jake and Elwood in town?




Building Technology - Workers use large rocks to hold concrete in place in Cleveland.

Recent photos of those plants previously described as

nearly-dead	and dead
No flowers in the grass now	These purple flowers were transplanted from Sandra's garden

Read about the Recent Cleveland Trip

Tags: [Whitewall Tires] [The Blues Brothers]
[Construction at The Cleveland Clinic]
[Gardening]

High School Crush: Corridor Chaos

Twenty-five students were injured in a pile-up in a school corridor triggered when a freshman stopped to fix her shoe.
Paramedics were called to the school to treat pupils for crush injuries, including ankle sprains, bruising and sore heads.
All the students were sent home following the incident, several were taken to hospital and five were kept off school the following day.    Read more...

A spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents commented, "the consequences of such an event as this arising can be disproportionate to what started it." I suppose it won't be long before we see zero-tolerance to shoe fixing added to the school's behavior code.

I think we can all see this lackademic institution's position on the learning curb.

When life gives you lemmings...
Lemming Aid (Winner: Best Short Film, Cannes, 1994).

Tags:[Denny School, Scotland]  [Crush Injuries]  [Accident Prevention]
[Cannes Film Festival, 1994]  [Lemming Aid]  [Grant Lahood]

Sweeping Up Detritus, Cleaning in the Corners

I was vacuuming under the blog topic production table and found these among the debris.

Jackson 5 Reunion Tour?
In November 2007, Jermaine Jackson announced that the quintet would hit the road with a Reunion Tour in 2008. Jermaine Dupri, Janet's beau, announced that the brothers would appear on stage for the first time since 1990 at his private New Year's Eve party at Studio 72 in Atlanta.

The Jackson 5, featuring brothers Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Jermaine, and lead singer Michael found fame in the 1970s with hits I Want You Back and ABC. Later, youngest brother Randy joined his brothers onstage and the band was renamed The Jacksons.
I don't think the warm up reunion happened in Atlanta; I doubt there will be any Jackson Tour soon.

(Photo: The Jackson 5 & Randy with The Summers 5 et. al, ca. 1972)

Biddell Wins Project Runway Canada
I started watching Project Runway Canada's encore broadcasts in the wee morning hours. One Canadian designer would take away $100,000 to start his/her own line and receive a feature in Elle Canada.

I saw just 4 of the 11 episodes, and caught the announcement of the winner during the prime time finale. Because I didn't watch the entire 2-hour finale that featured the designers' collections at L'Oréal Fashion Week (I flipped it back just in time to see the judges' comments), I was shocked that judge Rita Silvan was moved to tears by the embodiment of hope that Lucien's collection exuded.

PRC was hosted by Iman. Brian Bailey acted as mentor to the contestants and the other judges were Shawn Hewson and Rita Silvan.
I know who Iman is (from I Am African and she's married to David Bowie). The other pros on the panel? No idea.
Crying over an evening gown? I don't get it. Up until now, my fashion runway exposure primarily came from Zoolander.

Project Runway Season 4 premieres tonight with host Heidi Klum. Emmy nominee Tim Gunn is back as mentor.

Gladiators Ready
The Writers' Guild of America's prolonged strike is good news for Hulk Hogan. Hogan returns to prime time television as host of American Gladiators. NBC announced AG as a possible mid-season replacement in October. With shows forced into hiatus from the lack of scripted material, NBC slotted the Weekend Warrior vs. Athlete remake in early.

Hogan was pursued to host not just because of his WWE success, but also the success of his VH-1 reality series Hogan Knows Best (2005), still the highest-rated debut of any VH-1 series.
Questions: Will the Challengers dodge tennis balls as they run through the obstacle course, or has this challenge been updated à la The Running Man?

Is it true that people are pre-ordering the action figure dolls?

American Gladiators debuted last night. A new episode airs tonight.

Tags: [Jackson 5]  [Michael Jackson]  [Jermaine Jackson]
[Jermaine Dupri]  [Reunion Tours 2008]

[Project Runway]  [Iman]  [Biddell]
[Lucien Matis]  [I Am African]  [Heidi Klum]  [Tim Gunn]
[Derek Zoolander]

[American Gladiators]  [Hulk Hogan]
[W.G.A.]  [WWE]  [Hogan Knows Best]
[The Running Man]  [Richard Dawson]

Carp Diem

I'll be able to sleep at night now.
A report from scientists at Stanford University School of Medicine concludes that fish may suffer from insomnia.

In order to understand sleep disorders, Emmanuel Mignot and his team were looking at how the brain regulates sleep, by studying zebrafish. They report that "some zebrafish have a mutant gene that disrupts their sleep patterns in a way similar to insomnia in humans."

I find it a little surprising that fish have any difficulty sleeping. Sounds from nature, like water and ocean tides, are recommended to create a relaxing atmosphere, reduce stress and induce sleep. Based on that, I would expect the research to find that most fish slept a lot.

Maybe the comforting sonances create a high incidence of Hypersomnolence.

Maybe it's not really an issue, since fish don't have to get up and work in the morning.

O Captain, my Captain.
Carpe Noctis.

Tags: [Zebra Fish]   [Sleep Disorders]   [Insomnia]
[Public Library of Science-Biology]
[Stanford School of Medicine]   [Emmanuel Mignot]
[Dead Poet's Society]   [Walt Whitman] [Carpe Diem]

Revenge on Mad Max

It's Sunday, around noon.

John puts the leash on Buddy and they set out for a long walk. Buddy's exercise and weight loss plan requires a 2 km walk each day. They walk 100 yards down to the path that runs behind the school. A woman and 3 children are walking with their dog toward John and Buddy.

John discovers that this dog's name is Max after Max pulls and breaks his leash. He runs, with teeth bared, at Buddy, jumps and starts attacking. Max's owner calls his name, but he doesn't stop.

Buddy doesn't like this new dog, Max. He tries to defend himself, but the surprise attack has put him at a disadvantage. Eventually Max is contained but not before he has removed a chunk of Buddy's ear.

We administer some first aid but can't stop the bleeding from the wound. Buddy's 2 km workout turns into a 10km drive to the Veterinary Emergency Hospital.

Once cleaned and inspected, a local anaesthetic is administered and the wound is stapled close. For the next 7 days, we need to keep him from scratching or rubbing his ears. He is fitted with an Elizabethan collar, that doesn't make him feel regal in the slightest.

Wearing the cone will prevent him from removing the staples; but it also prevents him from getting a drink, ducking under the table to get crumbs, squeezing between my legs and the cupboard.

He bumps into everything. He is afraid to go downstairs. He is afraid to go up to the landing where his bed is. Every time he bumps into something, the noise frightens him. It makes him jump, which makes him bump into something, which makes the loud, irritating noise that frightens him.

Sporting his piercings and sans collar, I took Buddy for a walk last night. Not too far, not strenuous. He was begging to go - maybe showing off his new Goth style (staples with his black toenails) would be good for his spirit. I studied all the other dogs on leashes looking for Max. Two times a dog got near and Buddy stopped and just laid down.

One meeting with Max has turned Buddy into '... a shell of a dog, a burnt out, desolate dog, a dog haunted by demons, a dog who wandered out into the wasteland. And it will be here, in this blighted place, that he learns to live again... (Taken from MadMax 2: The Road Warrior)



Once Buddy gets his spirit back, you'd better look out Max!

Photo of dog wearing Elizabethan collar from
The Fun Times Guide

Tags: [Dog Bites]   [First-Aid for Pets]
[Healing and Rejuvenation]   [Mad Max]

Do Not Create False Drive Thrus

A recent survey showed that more Americans can accurately list the ingredients in a Big Mac than recall the ten commandments.

In a study of 1000 people, 80% correctly identified the seven elements of the Big Mac; less than 60% remembered 'thou shalt not kill'. Read more...

The survey was completed at the request of the producers of the animated movie The Ten Commandments (Oct. 19).

Kelton Research also found that "survey participants had an easier time remembering the names of the six children on the old TV series 'The Brady Bunch.' "

Imagine how much more dismal the results might have been if Moses hadn't dropped a tablet, reducing the commandments from 15 to ten!

Tags: [Ten Commandments]   [Big Mac]   [Kelton Research]
[The Bible]   [McDonald's]
[Mel Brooks]   [History of the World Part II]

Fill Your Black Jack With Grog

September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

It started as a joke between friends John "Ol Chumbucket" Baur and Mark "Capn Slappy" Summers. The tradition gained notoriety after scallywag columnist Dave Barry heard about the tradition.

TLAPD boasts its own anthem. Tom Smith wrote and recorded
"Talk Like a Pirate Day"
(plays in Windows Media Player)

Need help finding your Pirat-titude? View the instructional video produced by Loading Ready Run.

And be havin' a good tide!

Tags:[Talk Like a Pirate Day]
[Dave Barry] [John Baur] [Mark Summers]
[Tom Smith] [Loading Ready Run Comedy]

Duncan's Prank Rolls Foul

Ten year old Boston Red Sox fan, Griffin Whitman , discovered new meaning of Curse of the Bambino at a game between his beloved Red Sox and the visiting Yankees.

Whitman asked rookie Shelley Duncan for an autograph before the opening game of the weekend series. Duncan obliged and passed the book back to the boy.     (Read the full story...)

The rivalry between these two clubs is the legendary. Red Sox fans routinely chant "Yankees Suck!" when the club plays in town. Likewise, NY fans return the insult when the Sox come to Bronx.

I'm not supporting the ball player, but a proud Red Sox fan would never ask a Yankee for his signature! That's like Larry Bird asking Magic Johnson to be his best man; or Muhammad Ali taking a dive with Joe Frazier in the ring; or Lloyd Carr (Michigan) sending his kid to Ohio State!

"Griffin’s mother, Karen, blasted the Yankees slugger’s bad manners". Wonder if she said anything to the fans at Fenway when the chanting began?

Tags:[Shelley Duncan] [Red Sox] [Yankees] [Sports Rivalry]
[Michigan Wolverines] [O.S.U. Buckeyes]
[Curse of the Bambino] [Fever Pitch]

Keeping Kids Safe

Three weeks ago, I introduced readers to the Bulletproof Backpack. This is a real product, designed by Mike Pelonzi and Joe Curran of Boston. You can view the Product Page at MJ Safety Solutions.

I made the joke about Kevlar for Kindergartners. Just a few days later, I read about U.K.-based BladeRunner that has responded to parent requests for improved safety in school uniforms with its unique Kevlar Blazers. Send BladeRunner your child's outfit and they will add a Kevlar lining to it. Real product.

Then Trutex, another uniform supplier in the United Kingdom, showed off its product development team who are working on a way to incorporate GPS in its school uniforms. A safety net for parents, the microchip in the waistband or collar will allow them to monitor their child via a secure website. Schools are in the pro-camp for these devices - the chip's being touted as a tool to reduce truancy. In fact, according to surveys conducted by Trutex, only "children aged over 13 were less enthusiastic, fearing it would mean that their parents could spy on them." The teens can relax for this school year. The product team still has to find a tamper-proof circuit that doesn't break down in the wash. Still real, just not on the market yet. (Insert your own "No Child Left Behind" jokes)

Today, all the talk seems to be about Toddler Taser brought to you by Bulletproof Baby. Metro (U.K) covered the product testing of a stroller yesterday.

Bulletproof Baby is a viral marketing site linked to Shoot 'Em Up, not an actual supplier of protective gear and equipment. Was Metro really fooled? Some of its readers were. From a post at Jack-be-Nimble: "At first I wasn't sure if it was a parody or not and then I realized that it was not."
Really? You weren't tipped off to any satire even though the order desk is located in Iowa?!


Tags: [Bulletproof Clothing] [MJ Safety Solutions]
[BladeRunner] [Trutex Uniforms]

[Toddler Taser] [Bulletproof Baby] [P.T. Barnum]

[Shoot 'Em Up] [Clive Owen] [Paul Giamatti] [Monica Bellucci]
[New Line Cinema]