The Weight of The Wait

I've been waiting to learn the results of a biopsy of a lump discovered in my breast.

Normally, I'm not so bothered to wait for test results, but this situation is different. Partly because finding a lump was so accidental, but also with Roni's cancer, Michelle's cancer, Roni's recurrence and what is likely a recurrence of breast cancer in an aunt....all inside 13 months...

I really think it's benign, but I'd feel better if I had a little science to back that up! I am feeling the weight of waiting.

I know that I haven't been myself...now you know why.
Wait! Put down the phone...this isn't a call to rally. I don't want to be rallied. The logical Chris reminds me that almost everything is nothing; that there's no use worrying unless there's definitely something to worry about; that testing faith proves endurance. I said the other day, "I've got a compost heap of variations on It all works out in the end. The question is, when does it end?"

The biopsy was Nov 20. I've had some difficulty scheduling a follow up appointment with the specialist to review the results. His assistant finally agreed to pull my chart, ensure the pathology report was read by the doctor, and then contact me with an appointment time. The surgeon has only one day allocated for office visits before January.

I could guess the news of the report based on when he would see me.

Assistant: Christine? The doctor will see you on his first day back in the new year.
Me: OK. So it's not urgent then.
Assistant: I can't say that.
Me: Well if it was urgent, he'd see me next week, right?
Assistant: No, we're double and triple booked that day already. We just can't see any other patients before he breaks for the holiday.
Me: He's reviewed the report?
Assistant: No, we haven't located the report.
Me: What are you actively doing to locate the report?
Assistant: We're doing what we can.
Me: When you find the report, please fax me a copy.
Assistant: That's highly unusual. We follow up with patients in the office. {Pause} Then, What's your fax number.
Me: I'll get back to you with that.

If there's even a shred of 'suspicious' , 'inconclusive' or some other expression that's suggests any element of doubt in this report, I'm gonna have this guy's head!

The funny thing is that when the lump was detected, the doc's approach was, 'Well, it may be nothing, but given such a strong family history and since it will be some time before we can perform a biopsy, we should move forward with it so that there's no chance we'll be caught off guard.'

We were all impressed by this take-action approach.

The delay has seriously sapped my energy.

Looks like another Christmas without fudge, and Grinch trees all around.

I sent one card only (to Bridget) - and that's all that's going out.

You know we wish you Good Cheer! ... don't look for those wishes in your mailbox.

Too weary to tag this post.