And They Lived Happily Ever After

After Moya Dillon's article in Oshawa This Week, my parents received a telephone message outlining the dwarfs' location. No gravelly-voiced ransom demand - the caller didn't know how the figures were acquired, just where to find them.

Doc, Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful and Bambi's friend, Bimbo are back at Summers End.

Unfortunately, Dopey didn't make it back. I hope it means he's lost, not that he's come to any harm.

The recovered dwarfs and Bimbo appeared to have been treated well by their captors. Happy beamed a brighter smile as his brothers were asked to comment and provide details of their experience.

"Mush," complained Grumpy, as he shrugged off a hug.
"I'm sleepy," yawned Sleepy.
Sneezy chimed in with a very loud "Ah-choo,".
Bashful whispered that he was embarrassed by all the attention.
"We are grateful to everyone who facilitated our return," Doc declared. "We are happy to be home."

Tags: [Snow White] [Lawn & Garden]
[Moya Dillon] [Oshawa This Week]

A Grimm Discovery

On Friday, my parents took their coffee at the cafe on the grounds of Summers End. They surveyed the yard and noticed something amiss.
Over there in the NE corner of the lot where the playhouse stands... where was Snow White?

They walked to the playhouse and were horrified to discover 6 of their concrete dwarfs were missing.
The 40" Snow White figure had been knocked down, but at least she was still there. Somebody kidnapped the dwarfs!

Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful and Dopey - all of them gone! Only Happy was left behind. (Unfortunately, an horrific accident left Happy a double-amputee several years ago).

Snow White and the seven dwarfs have been friends of the playhouse for at least 25 years. They've been a part of the Wild parties, Family Picnics, Wayne Day and several weddings. They're family - the children of the house after The Original 6 moved out.

Every few years, my Dad would cart each dwarf to the garage where my Mom would painstakingly repaint him. Once sealed and dry, my Dad would carry each concrete man back to his place. Snow White received an ultra deluxe spa treatment, including chemical peel (old paint removal), deep facial line treatment (filling weathered areas) and microdermabrasion (sanding) before hitting makeup and wardrobe.

Two fawns, Bambi and Bimbo, are usually placed as if they'd just left the cornfield - heading toward the playhouse. Bimbo was also missing.

In order to execute the robbery, the dwarf-nappers had to park on the shoulder of the road, climb the fence, walk to the playhouse area, pick up the concrete statue (you need 2 people to carry Bimbo), carry it back

(enlarge to view getaway route)

down the yard, over the fence, down the hill at the ditch to the waiting car...seven times! There's been too much rain to drive through the field without getting stuck. {Aside: Escape through the field after a rain was attempted once. Once. You noticed I said 'attempted'?}

"I miss them," my Dad told me yesterday when I visited the homestead. "I miss you too," he quickly added lest I be offended.
So deep is the loss that he can't bear to whistle while he works in the yard.
Come to think of it, the wind wasn't whistling through the trees either.

As for Happy, well I thought he looked quite lonely.

Tags: [Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales] [Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]
[Disney Lawn Statues] [Crimestoppers - Durham]

"Congrats On Not Failing"

Four hundred students formed the Titans' Class of 2008 at a ceremony held last week. Each grad was allotted two tickets to the ceremony, but an occasion this auspicious called for all 3 of us to attend. I thought I'd be able to get 1 additional person (Jessica) into the ceremony. We'd advised grandparents that seating was restricted, and we knew it would be nearly impossible to smuggle 4 more people in.

We decided that John and Jessica would use the tickets. "I'm Andrew's Mom," ought to have been enough to get me into the gym. At the door, two bouncers directed me to wait along the wall. Apparently, being Andrew's mom didn't hold the gravitas of 'I'm with the band'.

Some of us who were waiting along the wall might be allowed in if space permitted, after everyone had taken their seats. If not, I was welcome to watch the ceremony via CCTV in the auditorium.

Soon, an unused single ticket was turned over to the door security. Since I was the only 'single' waiting along the wall, I was allowed to pass. From our seats in the 2nd-last row I could see a bit of the stage apron.

John snapped this picture before Andrew walked up on the stage to receive his diploma. Folder in hand, Andrew then walked down the stairs and along the aisle where John was waiting for the grand close-up......but the battery didn't have enough charge to use the camera.

For your benefit, I've outlined Andrew in the queue (click photo to enlarge). Take my word for it, he received his diploma; hence the headline - a quote from Jessica's praises to her brother after the ceremony.

Who's Your Daddy? Tests to Go.

Such an obvious title.

Sorenson Genomics is test-marketing a do-it-yourself DNA kit.
The Identigene-branded paternity test, which carries a suggested retail price of $29.99, is the first of its kind to be sold over the counter at pharmacies" Read more

On the U.S. west coast, the sample collection kits are available in Rite-Aid stores. Meijer has the mid-west covered, including Michigan and Illinois. Using the prepaid mailer, and for an additional $119, the DNA samples will be compared by Identigene's laboratory.

4 Easy Steps to Proof * 1 Pick up your kit 2 Collect Cheek cell samples from child & alleged father 3 Send DNA samples for testing 4 DNA test results are provided via phone, mail, & email * Source: Identigene®

Sorenson's C.O.O., Doug Fogg, said, "We would certainly like to distribute this kit nationwide... a lot of people just are not aware that testing for paternity purposes is so readily available and affordable." "Just because something's available does not mean it's safe or effective or worth your money," Kathy Hudson, director of the Genetics and Public Policy Center at Johns Hopkins University, countered. Day-time television viewers around the U.S. were loudly exclaiming, Maury Povich, in the case of paternity testing, you are not the father. Anymore.

Tags: [Sorenson Genomics] [Identigene] [Paternity Tests]
[Doug Fogg] [Kathy Hudson] [Maury Povich]

The Maury Show - Topic: I'm back to Prove the 2nd Baby Is Not Mine

Revenge on Mad Max

It's Sunday, around noon.

John puts the leash on Buddy and they set out for a long walk. Buddy's exercise and weight loss plan requires a 2 km walk each day. They walk 100 yards down to the path that runs behind the school. A woman and 3 children are walking with their dog toward John and Buddy.

John discovers that this dog's name is Max after Max pulls and breaks his leash. He runs, with teeth bared, at Buddy, jumps and starts attacking. Max's owner calls his name, but he doesn't stop.

Buddy doesn't like this new dog, Max. He tries to defend himself, but the surprise attack has put him at a disadvantage. Eventually Max is contained but not before he has removed a chunk of Buddy's ear.

We administer some first aid but can't stop the bleeding from the wound. Buddy's 2 km workout turns into a 10km drive to the Veterinary Emergency Hospital.

Once cleaned and inspected, a local anaesthetic is administered and the wound is stapled close. For the next 7 days, we need to keep him from scratching or rubbing his ears. He is fitted with an Elizabethan collar, that doesn't make him feel regal in the slightest.

Wearing the cone will prevent him from removing the staples; but it also prevents him from getting a drink, ducking under the table to get crumbs, squeezing between my legs and the cupboard.

He bumps into everything. He is afraid to go downstairs. He is afraid to go up to the landing where his bed is. Every time he bumps into something, the noise frightens him. It makes him jump, which makes him bump into something, which makes the loud, irritating noise that frightens him.

Sporting his piercings and sans collar, I took Buddy for a walk last night. Not too far, not strenuous. He was begging to go - maybe showing off his new Goth style (staples with his black toenails) would be good for his spirit. I studied all the other dogs on leashes looking for Max. Two times a dog got near and Buddy stopped and just laid down.

One meeting with Max has turned Buddy into '... a shell of a dog, a burnt out, desolate dog, a dog haunted by demons, a dog who wandered out into the wasteland. And it will be here, in this blighted place, that he learns to live again... (Taken from MadMax 2: The Road Warrior)



Once Buddy gets his spirit back, you'd better look out Max!

Photo of dog wearing Elizabethan collar from
The Fun Times Guide

Tags: [Dog Bites]   [First-Aid for Pets]
[Healing and Rejuvenation]   [Mad Max]

Honoring Mothers Defending Children

Motherhood is called a great surrender.

The mother surrenders control of her body to the child during her pregnancy. After the birth, mothers surrender to the unpredictability of their cherubs. We watch proudly as our little one achieves milestones and develops and displays her personality.

The great surrender doesn't mean resignation; good mothers recognize the perils of control and raise empowered children. Mothers protect and defend children. It teaches young ones how to protect and defend themselves.

All that to get to this: A Michigan mom faces aggravated assault charges after her daughter was involved in a fight at school.   Read more...

Loving your child unconditionally doesn't mean you beat down the security guard at her school! Our civilized society may have forgotten that defending the child doesn't mean absolving him of responsibility. Face it, your kid isn't always right.

Mom may choose to use this to illustrate that actions have consequences.

Tags: [Ottawa Hills High School]   [Grand Rapids, MI]   [School Safety]
[Mary Lee Brown]   [Mother]

Humanity's Wallet

As a child I would sometimes ask, "Mom, are we rich?"
"We're rich in love," my Mom would reply.

My friends used to tell me that my family was rich. It was curious that they could be so sure when I wasn't certain myself. These same friends also told me that our house was haunted. Since there were occasions when I could confidently say that it wasn't, it was difficult to know when to trust their authority.

It's not that we were poor. Our needs were always met. The only things we were 'in-want-of' were truly extras. None of us suffered because we shared a bike or a bedroom. Each of us was so creative, however, we put on some good displays of suffering!

As I grew up, I better understood the elements of being rich in love.

Loyalty is the hundred dollar bill. You flash a roll of loyalty around because it says "Mess with me, mess with my whole family". That's good news for the family, bad news for the mess-er.

Understanding and faith are the Ulysses S. Grant of this currency. For kids, these fifties are rare and harder to part with. As adults, we understand items with tremendous value can be found for $50. Knowledge and compassion are factors of this bill.

Since it's the only denomination stocked in an ATM, humor has to be the double-sawbuck. Check the wallet of humanity of any member of my family, and you'll find at least five crisp bills of humor, receipts for a withdrawal today and yesterday and the day before. It's fully accessible, as convenient as a debit card, accepted almost everywhere and can be used to get 'cash back' on purchases. Looks like our particular banking plan allows unlimited debit card transactions.

As adults, respect is like a $5 bill. It may be a little humble, but this smallest denomination of paper money makes one feel richer. It's versatile - it's enough for two coffees, or a Frappuccino, or a
Grande Mocha, or an entire Happy Meal. The point is, $5 can get you a little or be stretched to get a little more.
As kids, respect was more like a commemorative coin. We gave it and knew a sibling would keep it in a safe place and occasionally pull it out of his/her memory to recount the specifics of the day it was presented.

That we can measure our fortunes in a currency other than cash makes us very wealthy indeed.

[Qualities of Humanity] [Measure Your Wealth]

Keeping Kids Safe

Three weeks ago, I introduced readers to the Bulletproof Backpack. This is a real product, designed by Mike Pelonzi and Joe Curran of Boston. You can view the Product Page at MJ Safety Solutions.

I made the joke about Kevlar for Kindergartners. Just a few days later, I read about U.K.-based BladeRunner that has responded to parent requests for improved safety in school uniforms with its unique Kevlar Blazers. Send BladeRunner your child's outfit and they will add a Kevlar lining to it. Real product.

Then Trutex, another uniform supplier in the United Kingdom, showed off its product development team who are working on a way to incorporate GPS in its school uniforms. A safety net for parents, the microchip in the waistband or collar will allow them to monitor their child via a secure website. Schools are in the pro-camp for these devices - the chip's being touted as a tool to reduce truancy. In fact, according to surveys conducted by Trutex, only "children aged over 13 were less enthusiastic, fearing it would mean that their parents could spy on them." The teens can relax for this school year. The product team still has to find a tamper-proof circuit that doesn't break down in the wash. Still real, just not on the market yet. (Insert your own "No Child Left Behind" jokes)

Today, all the talk seems to be about Toddler Taser brought to you by Bulletproof Baby. Metro (U.K) covered the product testing of a stroller yesterday.

Bulletproof Baby is a viral marketing site linked to Shoot 'Em Up, not an actual supplier of protective gear and equipment. Was Metro really fooled? Some of its readers were. From a post at Jack-be-Nimble: "At first I wasn't sure if it was a parody or not and then I realized that it was not."
Really? You weren't tipped off to any satire even though the order desk is located in Iowa?!


Tags: [Bulletproof Clothing] [MJ Safety Solutions]
[BladeRunner] [Trutex Uniforms]

[Toddler Taser] [Bulletproof Baby] [P.T. Barnum]

[Shoot 'Em Up] [Clive Owen] [Paul Giamatti] [Monica Bellucci]
[New Line Cinema]

What The Flak?

It's August. Bittersweet.
Summers' door is closing behind us. In just weeks, a new school year will begin.

Families begin the march to the malls; the tradition of back-to-school shopping must be maintained. Bags containing new shoes, stylish sportswear or pristine uniforms are proudly toted. The bags with the pencils, pens, protractors and paper are dragged. Something about this bag elicits whining and requires a slower pace.

Kids want the Five Star Sound binder, so they can connect their mp3 players in class. Parents consider the item's practicality, novelty, style and value in the purchase process.

Boston parents Mike Pelonzi and Joe Curran want their backpack, My Child's Pack, to be among your back-to-school necessities.

The backpacks, which will cost $175, have a super-lightweight bullet-proof plate sewn into the back which weighs no more than a bottle of water. Pelonzi said the material used is a secret.

That's right. A bullet-proof backpack. According to Pelonzi, "during a three-year testing phase, [the backpacks] stood up to bullets as well as machete, hatchet and Ka-bar knife attacks."

Kevlar for kindergartners. Flak jackets for freshmen.

Tags: [Bulletproof Backpacks] [Mike Pelonzi] [Joe Curran]
[Back-to-School Shopping] [Flak Jackets] [Bulletproof]

The Changing Climate of Parenting

Parenting Through the Decades

Decade	Theme	Expert	Reward	Conse- quence
1950s	Strong Values/ Firm Leadership	Dr. Benjamin Spock	Allowance	Extra chores like wash out the garbage cans
1980s	Put children first	Saul Scheidlinger	Psychotherapy	Psychotherapy
1990s	The child's sense of self	Dr. Barbara Colorosa	Spend quality time together recog- nizing the accomplishment	Reward the effort made attempting to meet expectations
2000s	Nurture Nature	Dr. David Suzuki	Select from list of ethical / green choices++	Deduct/Withhold Carbon Credits

⁺⁺ Green Choice Rewards may include:

Jewelry from natural beads	Organic cotton clothing
Clothing purchased second-hand	Eco Jeans (organic material)
Shoes with treads of recycled tires	Anything from Bono's fair-trade-focused fashion label
School bag made from recycled inner tubes

Some suggested music: Dave Matthews, Alicia Keys, Melissa Etheridge, Jack Johnson, The Beastie Boys (especially Mike D), John Legend, Ludacris, Sting, U2


Tags: [Parenting] [Dr. Spock] [Barbara Colorosa]
[David Suzuki] [Climate Change] [Carbon Credits]
[Brushfire Records] [Tibetan Freedom Concert] [Fair Trade]
[Bono] [An Inconvenient Truth]

Hit Parade

Stratford, the Festival City, wrapped up its day-time events celebrating Canada's 140^th birthday with the annual parade, organized by the local Kinsmen Club.

The parade wound through Stratford's downtown, from Wellington to Downie, across Ontario to Huron. More than 40 groups participated in the parade that was led by the Veteran's Association and finished with the giant birthday cake float.

Three rows deep along the 2 km route, spectators waved and applauded as the more than 40 entries marched by. At the curb, in pint-size chairs and on blankets were young children. Parents, older children and youths made up the second row, on the boulevards and sidewalks. Other families and many seniors set up in front of the businesses and on the grassy knolls.

Way to go Stratford! There is so much support from all generations. It became clear that residents had "their spots" staked out from prior years. I wonder if, in twenty years, that spot in front of the church will still be Nicole's and Rachel's.

Thumbs up to Stratford, population 30,000 - Well planned and well-attended city-wide celebrations wrapped up with fireworks display at the rec. center.

Aurora, population 47,000, cancelled its Canada Day parade due to lack of support.

Some of the groups who participated in the parade:

Stratford Concert Band	Perth Pipe Band
Bethel Church	Stratford Builders' Association	Playmakers Theatre School
Perth Regiment Re-Enactment Unit	Orr Insurance (that's their truck, above)	Stratford Lions Club
Mocha Trumpet Band (London/Woodstock) and the RoadRunners	Dukes of Hazzard chased by Enos	Jubilee Christian Fellowship Band
Saddle Up Stables	Wellington-Waterloo Hunt & Riding Club	DaMax Kennels (thank you for the loot bag for Buddy)
Stratford Motor Products	Gary Stockie Chev-Olds

Red & White Sale on Now at

The Pro Shop

Tags: [Stratford] [Canada Day] [Aurora Cancels Parade]
[Stratford Country Club]

Very Random. Mother Approved.

Use of hurt(2); breast(1)

Mingle² - Online Dating

Dammit! If I swear a little more or reference some body parts then maybe I can get a PG Rating and draw a larger audience!

Too bad the rating is only available with a link to the dating site.
Note: No diligence performed on the dating site. The link to the site is part of the code to display the sticker. I can't get the Rating Sticker without providing the link.

MPA (Canada)

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Tipped to the site by H.

Tags: [Motion Picture Association] [Copyright Use]
[Blog Ratings]

Latest in Home Repair

From, The Times, June 26, 2007:

Haynes manuals, the bible of home car mechanics, are branching out to take on a particularly tricky and temperamental model – the teenager.

The publishing company, which specialises in step-by-step guides to vehicle repair, has swapped horse power for hormones in an attempt to broaden its market now that cars are all but DIY-proof. Read the rest of the story...

At amazon.com, a search under the topic of 'parenting' results in more than 82,000 titles. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have one more!

When you need a firing order, turn to Haynes Manuals. When you need torque specs, Haynes will provide it. Ditto for wiring diagrams and removing the bezzel from around the gear shifter.

But parenting? I'd just sum it up this way: Intermittent problem, may lead to short fuse, no further explanation available.

[DIY Repairs] [Haynes Repair Manual] [Parenting]

Seriously, Folks...

I know that regular readers are not used to posts without sarcasm or irony or a little poke of fun. I have to get serious for a moment.

In our world, with its increasingly self-absorbed society, it might be easy to lose faith in humanity. If you submit to it, another cynic evolves. Each of us has probably witnessed at least 10 acts of selfishness in the past 24 hours. We won't recount them; it's not productive.

The prevalence of insolence makes me value considerate kindness even more. It is humbling to receive.

I have been the recipient of selfless generosity - from family, relatives, friends and friends-of-friends. There are truly no words great enough to express my gratitude for your help in getting me the treatment that I need. Without your support, encouragement, assistance and the occasional respite, this new lease on life would not have come my way.

From what you may term small deeds (your word, not mine) to large bestowals, each made a valued contribution to get me to this point of progress. I am grateful and want you to know that we appreciate it all.

Over the past 12 months, the stamina of our family has been tested many times...repeatedly...at length...ad nauseam...and each time our strength has proven greater than the challenge. We really will do anything for each other.

And we know Sincere and Great people.

Thank you!
Please pass this thank you post on to those who may not read this blog regularly.

---

Below the line:

My parents took me to Cleveland and all I got was life-saving surgery.

Thank you for being our family.

Michelle's gonna cry.

Summers ahead 3-0.

---

We now return to our regular programming.

Joe

Monday night Joe called. Nobody was home so he left a message. Part of his message went something like this:

'...and Chris, it's driving me crazy...what was the guy's name who used to ride his bike around behind the garbage trucks so he could see them crush the trash?'

I called him back and left a quick message for him: "Dave Lemans. Fond regards."

I'm happy I could work in a Joe-story.

[Joe] [Dave LeMans]

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He's a Good-Looking Man

Last week, I complimented my mother on losing weight. "In fact," I told her, "I think you're slimmer today, then at our wedding." We'd recently had the photo albums out at our place, so I knew this to be true.
My Mom got out her album of our wedding and we looked at the snaps. "Yeah, maybe. Oh, I don't know," she hesitated. "Who's that? Oh, look at Kara, Kayne and Shannon!" Subject changed. We discussed the hall, the decorations, the day.

My Dad was now flipping through the pictures. "What year was that?" he asked. "1990," I replied. Mom and I had moved the conversation along.

"I looked great," my father reflected out loud. "I'm a good-looking man. Yes, I am."

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Call My Family

My family's largest fault is that we do not ask for help. So, when someone does ask, it means he or she really needs it. Several months ago, Michelle was admonishing me for not asking for help. She said that there would never be a circumstance when you couldn't call your family for help.

"Well," I said "If a bus runs me over, I would not refuse the help of strangers and ask them to call my family to help instead."
"OK," she agreed, "but that is probably the only circumstance. Now, promise that you wouldn't accept help from the strangers only after you try to lift the bus by yourself."

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Straight-Talk

When: A summer Sunday.
Where: Jeremy's and Sarah's cottage.
What: A Conversation with my brother
Their place is beautiful. On the lake. Walkouts on every side of the house, upstairs and down. The weather that day was perfect for just sitting outside, and doing nothing. I don't see Jay very often. He tells me that I look good. I don't look like I'm fading away anymore. I tell him it continues to be a struggle. He asks what I want. I tell him I want to feel well. I want to get my life back. I want my clothes to fit again.

"Well," he asks plainly, "why don't you just have your jeans taken in a couple of inches?"

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